I'm
filling in for the injured iron man Tommy , who not only missed the
Saturday game but is also too drained to pound out a column for the
blog. Apparently he switched his meds and the
higher dose was a little more than he could handle.
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| "I finally hit the big time Jojo" |
Poor
Jojo might need some meds to counteract the new Tommy (the funny thing is that for a guy who needed to "heal for a week", he sure was looking a little GQish. I think we all know where he was running off to). Good luck buddy. Go do what you got to do and we'll see you back on the gridiron next week. Now on to the game.
I'm
a little rusty in the sports reporting department, so bear with me as I
dust off my typewriter. Thanks to a handful of injuries and a fondness
for suds, I've only played a few games
the past 2 seasons and didn't even recognize most of the players at the
game. In the old days it was a cocktail of middle age athletes,
friendly smack talk and a steady parade of injuries from Thanksgiving
until we threw in the towel in early February. Now?
Try everything I just said and add a dose of high school talent. And
as for that East vs West stuff, yeah, we're still doing it. But when we
divvy up the teams by going "Okay, let's split up the QBs and high
school kids and try to balance out the size a
little", I wouldn't exactly say we're adhering to Vienna geography.
For the sake of this column, let's just call them the Winners and the
Losers (and no, I'm not giving away the ending until the bottom of the
page so you'll have to suffer through a few paragraphs
of bad writing and offensive YouTube links if you want to know who
won). Here's how we stacked up:
Winners:
Nate, Roger, Joe Koshuta (you know, the youthful Koshuta we didn't have
on our team), Mark, Bearded QB (we'll call him AR for reasons obvious
to the rest of the players), and Thing
One (some high school kid who obviously had a lot less to drink last
night than a few of us; the kid obviously doesn't know what a hangover
is).
Losers:
Big Jim (the not-so-youthful Koshuta), Ryan, Sam (I think that was his
name), Billy Bob Tebow, me and Thing Two (the other high school water
bug scooting around the field at a different
pace than most of us)
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| "Hey look dude - some old guys trying to play football...let's stop over" |
The
game didn't start off that great for the Losers (big surprise there,
eh?). On about the 3rd play of the game, AR hit Nate on a bomb to go up
7-zip (hmmm....maybe I should have stayed
retired. Getting burned 3 plays into the game is not how I envisioned
my return to the gridiron). From there the game was a blur of events.
AR ran for a score; Tebow hit Big Jim for a score in the corner (take
that little big Koshuta...Big Daddy still runs
this house!); our baby faced speedster Thing Two caught a TD and got
his first zit (might have hit puberty too...I'm pretty sure I heard his
voice cracking); and we had two controversial TDs (strike that - they
were controversial NON-TDs) by Joe. One of them
looked like the below video and no, I'm not exaggerating. Sam was
basically in Joe’s shorts and somehow the kid made the catch against
Sam's back. It was pretty sick. Too bad it didn't count like Big
Daddy's did (see the above comment regarding the still
reigning real king of the Koshuta household and his TD grab in the
corner). Don't worry Joe, life's not fair so you might as well start
getting used to that now. Twenty years from now when you're limping
around Waters Field with a bad back and aching knees
like your Pop, you'll get the joy of closing the gap between your long
lost skills and those of the Oldell-Beckham-like 18-year-old across from
you by making crappy calls to deny them acrobatic touchdowns like the
one you should have had yesterday. It's a
rite of passage son. You'll get there one day. For now, just enjoy
this video and tell your buddies, “Dude, I’m telling you – I made the
same catch Saturday against some old dude”
Back to the game. Again.
Now
it was right around this point that, with the Winners up 21-14 and the
Losers driving down the field, Billy Bob Tebow lost his religion. The
irony here is that 12 hours earlier he was
on stage at Jammin Java lighting up the town with Christmas tunes and
REM covers (I guess the glow of barroom lights and booze-inspired
adulation just couldn’t carry him through the weekend). After hitting
yours truly on a pass slightly out of the back of
the end zone and then turning it over on downs a play later, a lifetime
of celibacy and 90 minutes of offensive struggles came pouring out of
Tebow in an epic f-bomb tirade (okay, so maybe our Tebow isn’t as pure
as the NFL one, but our boy definitely kicks
NFL Tebow’s ass in the swearing department. It ain’t even close folks)
. Was the offense sucking? Sure. Did we know he was frustrated?
Certainly. Did we expect the guy wearing the jersey of the NFL's
Christian-of-the-Year to lose his cookies? Eh, I
can’t say I saw that one coming. But you know what, Billy Bob Tebow is
pretty competitive and unlike his NFL counterpart, he expects a little
success on the gridiron. Most of the time, success and Billy Bob are
good friends and all is good in the universe.
Saturday was not one of those days and thanks to his patience wearing
thin, Billy Bob inspired another YouTube moment for the writeup (you'll
have to wait until the end for that one folks).
Back to the game. Again.
After
our Tebow finished channeling his best Linda Blair, the Losers
regrouped and went back to what we were doing….losing.
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| "Now Billy, if I remove the rope you're not gonna go nuts on your team, right?" |
AR steered his
team down the field and in one final FU hit Thing
One on a Lynn Swann-esque leaping grab in the end zone (I don't think
the kid even knows who the hell Lynn Swann is. He probably sees
Steelers throwback jerseys with 88 on it and tells Thing Two, “LOL.
Dude, that old dude in the Steelers jersey totally misspelled
Emmanuel Sanders last name”), which resulted in Bizarro Tebow calling NFL Tebow’s savior
by his full name. JC never responded.
Back
to the game again? Nah. There isn’t much to say after that. Tebow
placed himself in a self-imposed confessional timeout and we picked up a
last TD with Sam as QB (hmmm…..maybe JC
was listening and didn’t approve of Tebow’s sermon…).
Final score: Winners 28, Losers 22. After the game, Tebow had this to say about our performance:
Don't
worry Tebow. Unlike NFL Tebow, you’re too good of a QB to not bounce
back (I'm pretty sure you'll find your religion next Saturday) and thanks to your stellar performance Friday night, Jammin Java added a new drink in your honor.
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| "A Xmas concert and now this - damn Billy is good for business!" |
Oh yeah, and as for Tommy Boy. As much as we want to see you back on the field next week, make sure you get those meds under control first. We don't another repeat of you and Bard from last season.
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| "Don't worry buddy, Stephanie thinks I'm out cutting firewood" |
See you next week folks.
1 comment:
Editor's notes:
Next game is 12/27 @ 9 AM @ Waters Field.
I believe AR is JC, Sam is the Adamizer and thing 1 & 2 are Sammy the Kid and Wiley Coyote.
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