This week we play twice:
Hangover Bowl, 1/1 @ 10 AM @ Waters
then again on
Saturday, 1/3 @ 9 AM @ Waters
We played 5v5 on Saturday. East had the Adamizer, Terminate, Big Jim, Big Joe, Rodger Dodger and a new T Fan, wonder twin Tommy W. West had JC, Wiley Coyote, Lucha Libre, Tommy Gun and new T fan, the other wonder twin Bobby W. The game ended in a 33-33 tie with a successful 2 point conversion pass from the Adamizer to Terminate. East scored on 5 TD passes from the Adamizer to Big Jim(2), Big Joe, Terminate and Rodger Dodger. West scored 4 TD passes from JC to Tommy Gun and Wiley Coyote(3). WC also scored on a pick 6.
This is all I have so far.... Busy.
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, tired old Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Monday, December 22, 2014
Scab Reporters Just Aren't Worth the Liability
I'm
filling in for the injured iron man Tommy , who not only missed the
Saturday game but is also too drained to pound out a column for the
blog. Apparently he switched his meds and the
higher dose was a little more than he could handle.
 |
| "I finally hit the big time Jojo" |
Poor
Jojo might need some meds to counteract the new Tommy (the funny thing is that for a guy who needed to "heal for a week", he sure was looking a little GQish. I think we all know where he was running off to). Good luck buddy. Go do what you got to do and we'll see you back on the gridiron next week. Now on to the game.
I'm
a little rusty in the sports reporting department, so bear with me as I
dust off my typewriter. Thanks to a handful of injuries and a fondness
for suds, I've only played a few games
the past 2 seasons and didn't even recognize most of the players at the
game. In the old days it was a cocktail of middle age athletes,
friendly smack talk and a steady parade of injuries from Thanksgiving
until we threw in the towel in early February. Now?
Try everything I just said and add a dose of high school talent. And
as for that East vs West stuff, yeah, we're still doing it. But when we
divvy up the teams by going "Okay, let's split up the QBs and high
school kids and try to balance out the size a
little", I wouldn't exactly say we're adhering to Vienna geography.
For the sake of this column, let's just call them the Winners and the
Losers (and no, I'm not giving away the ending until the bottom of the
page so you'll have to suffer through a few paragraphs
of bad writing and offensive YouTube links if you want to know who
won). Here's how we stacked up:
Winners:
Nate, Roger, Joe Koshuta (you know, the youthful Koshuta we didn't have
on our team), Mark, Bearded QB (we'll call him AR for reasons obvious
to the rest of the players), and Thing
One (some high school kid who obviously had a lot less to drink last
night than a few of us; the kid obviously doesn't know what a hangover
is).
Losers:
Big Jim (the not-so-youthful Koshuta), Ryan, Sam (I think that was his
name), Billy Bob Tebow, me and Thing Two (the other high school water
bug scooting around the field at a different
pace than most of us)
 |
| "Hey look dude - some old guys trying to play football...let's stop over" |
The
game didn't start off that great for the Losers (big surprise there,
eh?). On about the 3rd play of the game, AR hit Nate on a bomb to go up
7-zip (hmmm....maybe I should have stayed
retired. Getting burned 3 plays into the game is not how I envisioned
my return to the gridiron). From there the game was a blur of events.
AR ran for a score; Tebow hit Big Jim for a score in the corner (take
that little big Koshuta...Big Daddy still runs
this house!); our baby faced speedster Thing Two caught a TD and got
his first zit (might have hit puberty too...I'm pretty sure I heard his
voice cracking); and we had two controversial TDs (strike that - they
were controversial NON-TDs) by Joe. One of them
looked like the below video and no, I'm not exaggerating. Sam was
basically in Joe’s shorts and somehow the kid made the catch against
Sam's back. It was pretty sick. Too bad it didn't count like Big
Daddy's did (see the above comment regarding the still
reigning real king of the Koshuta household and his TD grab in the
corner). Don't worry Joe, life's not fair so you might as well start
getting used to that now. Twenty years from now when you're limping
around Waters Field with a bad back and aching knees
like your Pop, you'll get the joy of closing the gap between your long
lost skills and those of the Oldell-Beckham-like 18-year-old across from
you by making crappy calls to deny them acrobatic touchdowns like the
one you should have had yesterday. It's a
rite of passage son. You'll get there one day. For now, just enjoy
this video and tell your buddies, “Dude, I’m telling you – I made the
same catch Saturday against some old dude”
Back to the game. Again.
Now
it was right around this point that, with the Winners up 21-14 and the
Losers driving down the field, Billy Bob Tebow lost his religion. The
irony here is that 12 hours earlier he was
on stage at Jammin Java lighting up the town with Christmas tunes and
REM covers (I guess the glow of barroom lights and booze-inspired
adulation just couldn’t carry him through the weekend). After hitting
yours truly on a pass slightly out of the back of
the end zone and then turning it over on downs a play later, a lifetime
of celibacy and 90 minutes of offensive struggles came pouring out of
Tebow in an epic f-bomb tirade (okay, so maybe our Tebow isn’t as pure
as the NFL one, but our boy definitely kicks
NFL Tebow’s ass in the swearing department. It ain’t even close folks)
. Was the offense sucking? Sure. Did we know he was frustrated?
Certainly. Did we expect the guy wearing the jersey of the NFL's
Christian-of-the-Year to lose his cookies? Eh, I
can’t say I saw that one coming. But you know what, Billy Bob Tebow is
pretty competitive and unlike his NFL counterpart, he expects a little
success on the gridiron. Most of the time, success and Billy Bob are
good friends and all is good in the universe.
Saturday was not one of those days and thanks to his patience wearing
thin, Billy Bob inspired another YouTube moment for the writeup (you'll
have to wait until the end for that one folks).
Back to the game. Again.
After
our Tebow finished channeling his best Linda Blair, the Losers
regrouped and went back to what we were doing….losing.
 |
| "Now Billy, if I remove the rope you're not gonna go nuts on your team, right?" |
AR steered his
team down the field and in one final FU hit Thing
One on a Lynn Swann-esque leaping grab in the end zone (I don't think
the kid even knows who the hell Lynn Swann is. He probably sees
Steelers throwback jerseys with 88 on it and tells Thing Two, “LOL.
Dude, that old dude in the Steelers jersey totally misspelled
Emmanuel Sanders last name”), which resulted in Bizarro Tebow calling NFL Tebow’s savior
by his full name. JC never responded.
Back
to the game again? Nah. There isn’t much to say after that. Tebow
placed himself in a self-imposed confessional timeout and we picked up a
last TD with Sam as QB (hmmm…..maybe JC
was listening and didn’t approve of Tebow’s sermon…).
Final score: Winners 28, Losers 22. After the game, Tebow had this to say about our performance:
Don't
worry Tebow. Unlike NFL Tebow, you’re too good of a QB to not bounce
back (I'm pretty sure you'll find your religion next Saturday) and thanks to your stellar performance Friday night, Jammin Java added a new drink in your honor.
 |
| "A Xmas concert and now this - damn Billy is good for business!" |
Oh yeah, and as for Tommy Boy. As much as we want to see you back on the field next week, make sure you get those meds under control first. We don't another repeat of you and Bard from last season.
 |
| "Don't worry buddy, Stephanie thinks I'm out cutting firewood" |
See you next week folks.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Well, that's just sad.
Next game is Saturday, 12/20 @ 9 AM @ Waters Field
We played 4v4 with the Gauge as all-time QB. William E. IV, aka, T Sizzle, applied the QB pressure all day and sacked his dad. Twice. East beat West 33 - 26. Playing for East was Adamizer, TermiNate, HH & Kenny Rugby. West had JC, Rodger Dodger, My O Mike and Tommy Gun. East score on 3 TD throws from the Gauge to HH and Kenny Rugby(2), a kick-off return for TD by Adamizer and a pick six by Kenny Rugby. West scored on 4 TD passes from the Gauge to JC(2) and Tommy Gun(2).
Quote of the day came from T Sizzle, who, upon watching Adamizer run through West's kick-off coverage, said, "Well. That's just sad." And it was sad. I also heard him tell his dad, "Prepare for the pressure cuz I'm bringin it now." We're not sure where he gets his smack talkin from. Hmm...
Of course what is really sad is that we had to play 4v4. What the heck guys? Week 4 is coming up. Don't be weak for not coming out! See how I did that? Yup.
A friend shared this video on Facebook. Every time I watch it I laugh so hard my sides hurt and I tear up. Jojo says it's stupid and rolls her eyes at me. That makes me laugh even more!!
So. Come on. "Release all of the sounds that are trapped in your mind." Play football, suckas.
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
We played 4v4 with the Gauge as all-time QB. William E. IV, aka, T Sizzle, applied the QB pressure all day and sacked his dad. Twice. East beat West 33 - 26. Playing for East was Adamizer, TermiNate, HH & Kenny Rugby. West had JC, Rodger Dodger, My O Mike and Tommy Gun. East score on 3 TD throws from the Gauge to HH and Kenny Rugby(2), a kick-off return for TD by Adamizer and a pick six by Kenny Rugby. West scored on 4 TD passes from the Gauge to JC(2) and Tommy Gun(2).
Quote of the day came from T Sizzle, who, upon watching Adamizer run through West's kick-off coverage, said, "Well. That's just sad." And it was sad. I also heard him tell his dad, "Prepare for the pressure cuz I'm bringin it now." We're not sure where he gets his smack talkin from. Hmm...
 |
| T Sizzle takes down The Gauge! |
Of course what is really sad is that we had to play 4v4. What the heck guys? Week 4 is coming up. Don't be weak for not coming out! See how I did that? Yup.
A friend shared this video on Facebook. Every time I watch it I laugh so hard my sides hurt and I tear up. Jojo says it's stupid and rolls her eyes at me. That makes me laugh even more!!
So. Come on. "Release all of the sounds that are trapped in your mind." Play football, suckas.
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Gender Neutral Footballs
This week game is on 12/13 @ 9 AM @ Waters Field
This week we played 6v6. East beat West 47-20. East had JC, Wiley Coyote, Roger Dodger, Mr. T Whisperer (that's Mark H), Curious George, Bullet Bob & new T fan, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick (henceforth, JBQ). West had the Gauge, Adamizer, 4X, TermiNate, HH & Tommy Gun. East scored on 5 TD passes to Wiley Coyote(2) and JBQ(3). East also scored on 2 TD passes from the Adamizer (he switched sides after JC and WC had to leave early) to Curious George and JBQ. West scored on 3 TD passes from the Gauge to HH and Tommy Gun(2).
Don't like your nickname? Just tell me and I will give you another. Usually.
The Mr. T Whisperer likes to play with "soft balls". That would be an under-inflated football. Someone explained that makes the ball "gender neutral". Not really sure what that means but Mr. T football is gender neutral, although we have only had one gender represent. So far. Smaller, easier to catch, easier to throw, less impact, gender neutral. Soft balls. Not softballs.
Anyway, it seems Billy B was playing keeper at indoor soccer recently and blocked a shot with his face. The Burke boys seem to be getting good at this. Saturday I stopped a pass with my face. Fortunately, neither of us is as good as this guy.
4X told me he liked it whenever I post selfies. Kinda weird but I guess that's ok. So here you go 4X. Check out my eye!
Creepy huh? Jojo keeps telling me to stop looking at her. Hahaha...
Mr. T can catch a gender neutral ball with his teeth. Or his eye. See you Saturday, suckas!
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
This week we played 6v6. East beat West 47-20. East had JC, Wiley Coyote, Roger Dodger, Mr. T Whisperer (that's Mark H), Curious George, Bullet Bob & new T fan, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick (henceforth, JBQ). West had the Gauge, Adamizer, 4X, TermiNate, HH & Tommy Gun. East scored on 5 TD passes to Wiley Coyote(2) and JBQ(3). East also scored on 2 TD passes from the Adamizer (he switched sides after JC and WC had to leave early) to Curious George and JBQ. West scored on 3 TD passes from the Gauge to HH and Tommy Gun(2).
Don't like your nickname? Just tell me and I will give you another. Usually.
The Mr. T Whisperer likes to play with "soft balls". That would be an under-inflated football. Someone explained that makes the ball "gender neutral". Not really sure what that means but Mr. T football is gender neutral, although we have only had one gender represent. So far. Smaller, easier to catch, easier to throw, less impact, gender neutral. Soft balls. Not softballs.
Anyway, it seems Billy B was playing keeper at indoor soccer recently and blocked a shot with his face. The Burke boys seem to be getting good at this. Saturday I stopped a pass with my face. Fortunately, neither of us is as good as this guy.
4X told me he liked it whenever I post selfies. Kinda weird but I guess that's ok. So here you go 4X. Check out my eye!
 |
| Watchin you!!! |
Mr. T can catch a gender neutral ball with his teeth. Or his eye. See you Saturday, suckas!
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Welcome to America.
The game this week is at Waters Field on 12/6 @ 9 AM
Thanksgiving we played 8v8. East beat West 27-14. East had JC, 4X, Lucha Libre, Roger M, Andrew D, Sammy the Kid, Patrick M & Curious George. West had the Gauge, Dewey, Big Dan, Big Jim, the UF, Tom C, Wiley Coyote, Billy B and Tommy Gun. Sackinator applied the QB pressure. East scored on TD passes from JC to Sammy the Kid (2), Andrew D & Curious George. West scored on a TD pass from the Gauge to Tom C and a TD pass from Dewey to Tommy Gun. Definitely a faster game when the teenagers show up - Sammy the Kid & Wiley Coyote - and the college kids - Andrew D. Lucky for us veterans the teenagers usually can't get out of bed that early and the college kids go away.
Saturday we played 5v5. West beat East 34-19. West had Dewey, Kenny E, HH, Patrick M, Tommy Gun and new T fan, Adam D. East had the Gauge, Tom C, Roger M, Bullet Bob & new T fan Nate M. West scored on 4 TD passes from Dewey to HH(2) and Tommy Gun(2) and 1 TD pass from Kenny E to Adam D. East scored on 3 TD passes from the Gauge to Roger M and Bullet Bob(2). Cooper D applied the QB pressure and recorded a new Mr. T fan record 6 sacks! Best of all 5 of those were on his Dad!
Did you know that the Gauge has many talents? Hard to believe, I know, but he can not only throw a football; he can also sing and play guitar. His band, NRJ, is playing at Jammin Java on 12/19. Check it out! I gotta tell you, its weird seeing somebody doing something totally different than what your are used to seeing them do. The first time I saw NRJ I kept waiting for the Gauge to start yelling at someone, "Hey! You can't dance like that! Don't you know how to dance American?!" But he never did. He is actually very pleasant and entertaining and the band is really good.
Last week I was fast. This week I am faster because I am more aerodynamic....
See
the difference? One mug shot is faster than the other. Jojo B says I look like a criminal in these pics but
who cares. We all know who the real Criminal is and he never shows up anymore. Anyone seen this guy?
Show up Saturday and witness the new speed, suckas!
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
Thanksgiving we played 8v8. East beat West 27-14. East had JC, 4X, Lucha Libre, Roger M, Andrew D, Sammy the Kid, Patrick M & Curious George. West had the Gauge, Dewey, Big Dan, Big Jim, the UF, Tom C, Wiley Coyote, Billy B and Tommy Gun. Sackinator applied the QB pressure. East scored on TD passes from JC to Sammy the Kid (2), Andrew D & Curious George. West scored on a TD pass from the Gauge to Tom C and a TD pass from Dewey to Tommy Gun. Definitely a faster game when the teenagers show up - Sammy the Kid & Wiley Coyote - and the college kids - Andrew D. Lucky for us veterans the teenagers usually can't get out of bed that early and the college kids go away.
Saturday we played 5v5. West beat East 34-19. West had Dewey, Kenny E, HH, Patrick M, Tommy Gun and new T fan, Adam D. East had the Gauge, Tom C, Roger M, Bullet Bob & new T fan Nate M. West scored on 4 TD passes from Dewey to HH(2) and Tommy Gun(2) and 1 TD pass from Kenny E to Adam D. East scored on 3 TD passes from the Gauge to Roger M and Bullet Bob(2). Cooper D applied the QB pressure and recorded a new Mr. T fan record 6 sacks! Best of all 5 of those were on his Dad!
Did you know that the Gauge has many talents? Hard to believe, I know, but he can not only throw a football; he can also sing and play guitar. His band, NRJ, is playing at Jammin Java on 12/19. Check it out! I gotta tell you, its weird seeing somebody doing something totally different than what your are used to seeing them do. The first time I saw NRJ I kept waiting for the Gauge to start yelling at someone, "Hey! You can't dance like that! Don't you know how to dance American?!" But he never did. He is actually very pleasant and entertaining and the band is really good.
Last week I was fast. This week I am faster because I am more aerodynamic....
 | |
| Criminal. A True American! |
Show up Saturday and witness the new speed, suckas!
Tommy Gun
Organizer, Playmaker, Bullshitter
Mr. T Fans Football Club
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